


An Encyclopedia of Why Not

by Romany



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Dialogue-Only, F/M, Het, Post-Chosen, post-nfa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-06
Updated: 2006-08-06
Packaged: 2018-02-03 22:23:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1758469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romany/pseuds/Romany
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know why not. There's an encyclopedia of why not, Bit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Encyclopedia of Why Not

“Well, that was a laugh and a giggle. Had yourself just a fine time, did you?”

“As a matter of fact, I did.”

“And we did this why, exactly?”

“Because they have night skiing in Sestrière, and I wanted to go skiing.”

“Did you see the size of that branch? Near staked myself! Don't want to go up in a cloud of dust and irony, ta ever so.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you're a whiner?”

“Today? No.”

“Well, you're a whiner.”

“A whiner would complain--rightfully so--about this purple and white atrocity he was forced to wear.”

“Two words, Spike. Night. Skiing. I couldn't let you go play Invisible Skier on the slopes.”

“I've two words for you, Bit. Black. White. Wonderful contrast, that. 'Sides, not your Ken doll.”

“No, my Ken doll was poseable and didn't need a shower.”

“Two more words. Pot. Kettle.”

“I do not smell!”

“You smell a delight.”

“Okay, maybe I do need a shower. But just so you know, there's this marvelous new invention called tact.”

“Not my strong suit, Bit. Never has been.”

 

“So now that we're all powder fresh and the like, shall we be very aprés-ski and paint the town?”

“This town has like one club. Can't exactly go club-hopping.”

“Redefine hopping as running from one end of the room to the other, then yes. Get a spot of exercise in that way as well.”

“Does that sound like fun to you?”

“Well, this delightful vacation was your idea, Bit. Define fun for me then.”

“Room service and pay-per-view?”

“Your room or mine?”

 

“No.”

“Why not?”

“You know why not. There's an encyclopedia of why not, Bit.”

“Give me one good reason.”

“First off, you shouldn't go about touching your sister's things.”

“Now that's just stupid. You're not a thing.”

“Technically, pet...yes, I am.”

“Well then technically, mister, so am I!”

 

“Don't tell me you've never thought about it.”

“Before the soul? Once or twice. When she was gone, mind you.”

“You're made of sterner stuff, I guess, now that you're all heroical.”

“Wish that were true.”

“What, the hero part? You know, sometimes I don't get you. First you brag, like, all the time, and then you get all self-denigrating.”

“Threatened to murder me in my sleep once. You need to remember what for. That's something a man should never be forgiven.”

“Aw, Spike, don't even pull the bad-rude-man defense on me.”

“Not pulling anything, Bit. I'm saying no.”

“Just say no. That's great. You're so nineties.”

“Believe it was the eighties. And here I thought I had trouble sorting out the decades...Ow! That's no cause for hitting a man!”

 

“Why do they have to dub everything? Just leave it in the Queen's English and subtitle the sodding thing.”

“I don't know. I think it adds to the mystery.”

“That would be delightful if it weren't a comedy, now wouldn't it?”

“Yeah, kinda not a laugh a minute, is it?”

“Would be if it were a Dali piece.”

“Huh?”

“Oh lord, never mind.”

“FISH!”

“Oooh, you clever girl...had me there for a minute.”

 

“Said no before...Ah, Christ, don't do that. A man has his limits.”

“You want me to stop?”

“Oh lord, no, don't...Just let me shift a bit here...”

 

“Oh. Um. Huh. Okay.”

“Someone's been dating too many American boys...”

“Sorry, just never seen one up close before.”

“Me and my uncut glory. Marvel, if you like.”

“Yeah, see, there with the bragging again. It's just a cock.”

“And you've seen so many?”

“Wouldn't you like to know?”

“Right now, no...After...”

 

“Anyone do this for you before?”

“Go down on me? Please.”

“Alright. This then?

“No, Spike, don't. That's gro...”

“Shhh, no it's not. We're all sparkly clean, remember?”

 

“What time is it?”

“You want me to be quick? My ego can only take so much, I'll have you know.”

“No, it's just...I wanted to see the Olympic Village.”

“Now you tell me. Put that off for tomorrow, yeah?”

 

“Here, pet. Have a climb on.”

“Cowgirl up? Okay. Is that your thing?”

“S'all my thing. Might hurt you the other ways. Been a while with a regular girl.”

“Just...I might not come this way.”

“Do you with the others?”

“Guess I'm a hard sell. Did Buf...?”

“Shhh. Don't ask. You and me here. Only ones in the room, yeah? We'll work this out. Have a climb on...Now show me.”

“I...don't...what?”

“Your clit that gets you off, right? Know better than me or anyone else how to go about it. Just have a go while you fuck me.”

“This is weird.”

“Close your eyes if you want a bit of privacy. Be grand, promise.

“...just...you mean...oh god...”

“You're glorious.”

 

“Lord, we're in for it...”

Well, I don't regret it.

“I'm a weak, weak man...”

“Spare me.”

“No, no, no. Not a quick zip for me, Bit. Not at all.”

“You're still a whiner.”

“That may be. But you must admit there are consequences...”

“God, I shouldn't...I'm sorry...”

“Milk, barn door. We'll figure it out.”

“I think you just mixed your metaphors there, Spike.”

“That I did. Regardless...”

“No use crying over spilled horses...”

“Like closing the barn door after the milk's run off...”

“Oh god, we're both going to die.”

 

“You fancied Angel yourself once.”

“When I was ten! Anyway, who cares?”

“Not caring, really. Just like to be consistent.”

 

“So when did you first notice me?”

“As in your existence? How could I forget your wee moppet face peering from about your mum's back, her with an ax in her hands? Ran off, I did, at the sight of the pair of you...Ow! Didn't deserve that one either!”

 

“Fuck his Irish arse!”

“Are we back to Angel again?”

“It...just wasn't supposed to go down like that. Not like that. Fuck him.”

“Yes, that evil pillow deserved to die.”

“Not that it matters now...loved the bastard.”

“Are we talking in a 'Luke, I am your father' way or more of a Brokebacky kinda thing?”

“Yes..Christ, it's complicated...”

“That wasn't a yes or no ques...oh, um, I so don't want details.”

“Not offering any.”

“Okay, that's fair.”

 

“Again? Better to die this way, I suppose.”

“What about all that vampire stamina?”

“Bit of a myth, really. Have our lag time too.”

“So you're clocking out?”

“Always up for another go...just give me a minute...”

“Hello, Houston, we have contact!”

“You are a wicked, wicked girl...Don't ever change.”

 

“Olympic Village, pet? Should we go down?

“I just need to brush my teeth.”

“I know a man who knows a demon who knows a man...could get us some tickets...if you'd like.”

“Like!? Oh my god, I'd love to go!”

“Then it's a date?”

“If we're not dead, sure.”

“In my case, dead but ambulatory. Right then, off we go.”


End file.
